Beauty

There's different types of beauty. (TBC)

Time

The world is a continuous place.

Picture yourself in the happiest frame of your life. Mine would be in the middle of winter, Christmas lights twinkling, lighting up the living room. I'd be sipping hot tea, and have my head on his leg, and my free hand holding his. We'd be laughing about something childish.
I would wish to be able to freeze this point in time. I'd wish to make the world stop, and live in this moment forever because everything is perfect. Past fights don't exist. Tears were erased from our memories.
But that doesn't happen because the world is continuous.

If I could gather up contentedness like fine sand on a foreign shore I would put
it in a Ziplock bag and tuck it away in the far corner of a desk drawer for
sometime after the easy joy of today wanes. For another day when I'm feeling
lonely or ugly or scared or stupid. To dig out and take from it a handful to
soak up the tears and the dissatisfaction. I want to capture it and let it free
in increments, one happy lightning bug at a time to return back to its twilit
skies and leave me here on the ground where I'm meant to be.

I wish I could put my memories into a bag and re-visit them when need be. I'm not so sure if time is our friend or my personal enemy.

Movies!

There are a few movies that I HAVE to see. (btw, is it me, or are some really bitchin' movies coming out in 2010?) I'm going to list them here so i don't forget them.

UP
Nick and Nora's Infinite Play list
500 Days of Summer
Knowing
The Timekeeper's Wife
Hardball
Alice in Wonderland
Despicable Me
Toy Story 3
Tron
Where the Wild things Are.
Slum dog Millionaire
2012 (LOL)
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Paper Heart
Wal-E
Moon
Post Grad
Whip it
Maria Full of Grace
(I'll add more later.)

Christmas Dilemma

Most of my mother's side of the family lives in Texas. I haven't seen them for nearly two years. A lot can happen in two years! For example: A wedding we (we being my mom, my step-dad, and I) couldn't go to, a cousin getting her driver's license, making the transition from middle school to high school, making the transition from elementary school to middle school, cousin getting her wisdom teeth taken out. With the distance, comes missing holiday gatherings. We never spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year's together. While the rest of the family is living it up in Texas, we're celebrating quietly here in New Jersey.
We've been getting tired of this, and decided a visit is in order. My mom decided that we were to go to Texas on the 26th of December, but as a surprise. The plan was, when we arrived at the airport we would call them and be like "hey, Merry Christmas. By the way..." A surprise, you know? When my cousin, Karen, came to New York for a R.O.T.C meet, we went to go meet up with her. While together, I told her about the surprise visit to Texas. She was, of course thrilled. (We're the two girls in the family. -___-)
Today, my mom got a call from my aunt, saying "Hey! Guess what?" They were planning on coming to New Jersey for a visit.... for Christmas. She then proceeded to say that she wasn't sure if she'd have that day off of work, and if she didn't she'd just send my little cousin, Brian, to visit since he'd been nagging her "When are we going to Jersey, ma?!" This puts us in a pickle.

Six Flags.

Oh hey, Blog of mine. It's been too long. Recently, I went to Six Flags Great Adventure, with an old friend. Her name is Maria, and I haven't spoken to her since the 7th grade. Why did I invite her, you ask? Well, i'm the type of person who LOVES roller-coasters, but i'm too chicken shit to go on them without some persuasion.

I promptly picked her up at 9:00 a.m. at her house, then we hit the road. I'd forgotten how peaceful highways are, to me. Rolling down your windows, letting the air hit your face, and watching the green trees go by is a really good feeling.

Before even arriving at Six Flags, you could see Kingda Ka, from miles away.

This terrifying monster made my stomach clench, because I knew my friend wanted to go on it. I kept trying to find an excuse to not go on it, without seeming like a baby. When we arrived at the entrance, the sign said "Kingda is Closed today." HECK YES!

The first ride we went on was Batman. The line wait wasn't too long, but by the time I was strapped in, I was scared. As soon as the ride took off, I was pumped!

After Batman was over, I got such a thrill, that I decided to go on Nitro. Now, Nitro, is my favorite ride of all time, but it's a monster. It takes super long to get to the top.

Seriously, I was in the middle of a conversation with the stranger next to me, and it went down. The first drop always makes you feel like you're dying, but after that... it's just one huge party. I kept screaming "HELL YEAH! YEAH! YEAH BITCH!" I'm a college frat boy.

After Nitro, my friend wanted to go on the Bizarro. The new ride at our Six Flags. I was so scared, since I've never been on it, that I wanted to stall. Since it was 80 degrees out, I persuaded her to go on the water ride.

After the water ride, I had no choice but to go on the Bizarro since they were super close. It was a great freakin' ride. Probably my favorite of forever.

Then we ended the day on Superman. The easiest roller coaster ever.

Languages: A History

I don't know how to get into this subject, so pretend there's a clever anecdote here.

The first language I learned was Spanish. My mom is Salvadorian. (dad wasn't around, but he is Mexican) She came to this country when she was 18 (after having my oldest brother. Pablo (23) She knew no English. One would think that my brother's first language would be Spanish as well, but seeing as he's deaf, he never learned Spanish, or English. My first language was Spanish, so when I got to prekindergarten I didn't know how to communicate with other kids. I was a quick learner, I never had to be put into ESL classes.
As the years progressed I became fluent in English, Spanish, and American Sign-language. By the 6th grade I was introduced to Naruto. Naruto is a Japanese anime show that I quickly became obsessed with. So much so, that I went online and started watching the shows in Japanese. The Japanese language interested me. I loved the way the words flowed together. The sounds, the pitches. I loved the language so much, that I started looking into Japanese culture, history, and mannerisms. I'm still obsessed.

When guitar hero III came out, I played the poop out of that game. I played every single song, and came across Radio Song- Superbus. I liked the sound of the band so much that I looked them up, and found out that they do French songs! Guess what language I'm also in love with now? Guess what place I think is beautiful?

Side-note: Earlier I thought my likings for different countries was because America doesn't really have culture, but that's not it.

Wisdom Teeth

Over a week ago I went to the dentist because one of my wisdom teeth was hurting pretty bad. They told me that on thee 7th I'd have to get them taken out.

Yesterday morning I woke up at 8 A.M. (couldn't go back to sleep) For an appointment that was at 10 A.M. I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and ATE NOTHING. It sucked not being able to eat especially since my mom was cooking freakin' sasuage and eggs. What the heck mom?

By the time we arrived in the dentist waiting room, all I could think about is food. I was so hungry, that I barley noticed that CNN was on (love CNN!) When the dental assistant came in, she asked me,

"how are you feeling?"

"hungry."

The room to take out my wisdom teeth was really comfortable. They had really weird 80's music on, and a brown blankey that felt baby-soft. While I waited for the head dentist to arrive I had myself extremely comfortable. I took my sandals off, and put thee awesome brown blankey over myself, and head-jammed to the music. I think they turned up the 80's music because I could hear what was going on in the other rooms, and it was freaking my mom out. Then the head dentist came in and said

"Let's get this show on the road!"

The dental assistant put a mask over my nose, (laughing gas) and it gave me the weirdest feeling... I felt like I wasn't there. It was time for my mom to leave the room, and before she left, she squeezed my hand. I could barely feel it. Then after she left, the background 80's music kept skipping. Actually, everyone in the room, all their words sounded like a broken cd. For some reason I found this to be really stinkin' hilarious. And the dental assistant said

"Feel the gas yet? You have a really funny look on your face."

The head dentist gave me something to squeeze and he put the I.V. in. I slowly felt like I was fading out of consciousness, and I was trying to fight it. But next thing I knew I was done, and there was gauze in my mouth.

I was drunk on laughing gas for 1 more hour. That was fun for my mom. She told me I said some really weird crap, and she had to help me walk in and out of the car, because apparently I'm really self-righteous when drunk on laughing gas.

My lip and chin were really numb, and it was thee most uncomfortable feeling I've ever felt. Slowly, at 9:00 the left side of my lip woke up! Then my right side woke up an hour ago!

It doesn't hurt yet, but just wait for that.

Unrequited Love

I hope in later years I'll be able to look at this blog and laugh at my woes. I hope by then my scars have healed, my tears are dry, and I'd be happy.

I'm dealing with things beyond my maturity level. I've felt the bitchin' pain that is teenage heartbreak. I have to get my wisdom teeth taken out on the day Chavy told me he loved me. I have to endure the pain that is stomach surgery on the day that we became a couple.
Post break up Chavy told me it wasn't going to work out anyway. Why would you say that? Today Chavy told me he's going partying. Why would you tell me that? I mean, it's fantastic that this break-up hasn't effected you at all. I'm crumbling, and you're partying. How great.

We barely talk. Today was the first time we've spoken in two days. It upsets me that it's come to this. We used to be great friends, and now we don't even talk. Even as friends, I don't think we'd have the same bond as before. I don't think I'll be able to think of him as a friend. I love him.

I miss him. I miss him so badly. He doesn't even think of me at all. He doesn't miss me.

Tough

Isn't it funny how music touches us? It has the ability to bring you back to a special time, or place. It has the ability to bring back feelings, whether happy or sad.
These past three days haven't been good for me. My relationship with Chavy has always been... different. He lives in the Bronx, I live in suburban New Jersey. Although this might not seem as a great distance, any distance is a great distance. He's a Junior, going on Senior, and I'm a Freshmen going on Sophomore. From the first conversation we had on MSN, I knew he was going to be a huge part of my life. He and I had the same type of humor. We watched the same shows, we just brought out the best in each other. He pushed me to grow intellecutally. He was the only person in my entire life that I KNEW i was lucky to have in my life.
We've been together since he was a Sophomore. I've know him since he was an 8th grader. When we became a couple, we had to make due with what we had. We talked through I.M. everyday, calls here and there. After 1 month of being together, we saw each other from the 22- 26th. Those days, although were incredible, they were way too short.
Our whole relationship was a struggle. We moved at a slow pace. First kiss at 3 months. First hand-holding at 3 months. Cuddling at 3 months.
Because we had such limited time together, we appreciated it, so much more. Our relationship was the strongest bond, I'd ever known. We spent Christmas of '07 together, New Year's of '08 together. Halloween of '07. Whenever we got together, it was as if though we had never left each other. But with each visit, comes an end. Each end got tougher and tougher. I cried for a great portion of them.
The first few months of being together were the best months of my life. Honestly, i've never felt so much love and adoration. It's not something that can be explained. Only people who've felt this know exactly what i mean. We were the cheesiest goobers ever! I'd send him song lyrics that I thought were cute, he'd read poems to me, we'd talk about the future, we had two "kids", we'd spend HOURS on the phone saying things so cheesy that you'd hate cheese.
Months passed, and we were at our 1 year anniversary. We spent it together. I remember he got me shoes that I REALLY wanted. More months passed, and we fought. Normal couples fight. But normal couples can hug each other, or kiss to stop the fight. We didn't have that. After fights we'd have to wait WEEKS to embrace each other. A month ago, he and I had a fight. But it was in person. The conflict was solved so quickly, simply because we could hug, or hold hands.
Shortly thereafter, things got harder. We haven't fought, but the distance is taking a toll on us. Not only the distance, but the fact that he's now going to have a job, and going to work 5 days a week, which leaves... almost no time to talk.
He broke up with me three days ago, for that reason.

What made me document this is, after he broke up with me, I didn't really cry. I felt horrible inside, sure. It's the worst pain, I've ever felt, but I had to be strong. I told myself there's no use in crying. I tried persuading him that this isn't the best solution. We can work anything we want to, if we just try. After a day of trying to get him back, i felt pitiful. No use. Might as well leave him alone.
This morning when I woke up, I felt that same pain I did yesterday. Almost stronger as time passes. I made it the whole day without crying, until things started breaking me down, little by little. I was listening to "Now that I'm grown, I've seen marriages fall to pieces." Down and Out- The Academy Is... That reminded me of Jon & Kate Gosselin. For some reason, their relationship ending, really hurt me. I didn't express my pain to anyone. I guess the reason that it hurt me, is I saw love fall apart before my very eyes. I saw their failure from the beginning. I saw Kate crying because she couldn't do anything to save their marriage. Regardless of her personality, I believe that she really wanted to save it.
I went on myspace and listen to the Jackson 5. Their song "Never Can Say Goodbye" made me cry. "Even though the pain and heartache, seems to follow me wherever I go. Though I try and try to hide my feelings, they always seem to show. Then you try to say you're leaving me, and I always have to say no... I keep thinkin that our problems, soon are all gonna work out. But there's that same unhappy feeling and there's that anguish, there's that doubt. It's the same old did ya hang up? Can't do with you or without." This song perfectly describes how i feel.
I just wish this whole hurt point of my life is over. Can't it just get back to happy? This time, two years ago, was the happiest I'd ever been. Because of him. Two years later, this is the saddest/most depressed I've ever been. Because of him. You know what makes it hurt more? The loneliness. I'm so used to texting all day, or talking all day, that now when we don't have that anymore, i don't know what to do. Most of my friends are on vacation. I've never been the type of person who likes to talk to people first. You know what i mean? I don't like to invite people places, or start up conversations, I like people inviting me, or talking to me. My state of depression hasn't really helped my "not wanting to talk to people first" thing. Which, in hindsight isn't good. This is a time where I really need people to cheer me up, and yet I make no effort in speaking to them.

I used to think that the girls that got so dramatically upset over a break-up were wussies. Well, didn't that thought bite me in the ass? It's not like I'm crying and there's mascara covered tissues all over my bed. It's not like I'm watching romantic-comedys while eating ice cream. I'm just hurting on the inside. I'm just not talking to anyone. But I really want to.

Gads! This blog is so depressing. I'm sorry. I just need some serious cheering up.

Michael Jackson

Yesterday, June 25th 2009, Michael Jackson passed away.

The reasons of his death are as of now, unclear. The media says it was the drugs, but until his direct family confirms it, I'm taking it as unclear.

When I first heard of his death, I didn't believe it. Michael... Jackson... is dead? No way.
This morning when I woke up, I flipped on CNN, and started watching the debates. Was it the drugs? Did he really have heart problems? Where the heck is his doctor?
My family and I spent hours, and hours watching CNN. As time went on, I started getting angry. How is it that after someone dies, all the dirt comes out of the woodwork? I mean, seriously. Respect the dead. Respect their families.
CNN proceeded to show all the love and support of the fans. They showed people crying their eyes out, people that flew hours to go to see his star in hollywood, or his old home in Indiana. Dedicated fans.


Michael, you changed the world. Artists of today still look up to you! Madonna, Diana Ross, Usher, Justin Timberlake, and Mariah Carey are all heartbroken.
My heart goes out to your family, and your close friends.
Your music, your style, your voice was captivating. Today, millions of people's hearts broke when they heard the news. Today, millions of tears were wept across the world. You changed so many people's lives. People grew up listening to your music. I rememeber when I was little, I used to watch the video for Thriller everyday, even though it scared me. My cousin recorded one of your concerts, and I watched that video everyday. When I lost it, I cried.

Michael, people still loved you after your scandals in the media. I am one of those people.

After your death, no one wants to remember the bad things about you. It's almost as if death erases your fights with your appearance, or your struggles in court. Michael, honestly, I can't relate to the type of lifestyle you had. I can't imagine how hard your childhood was. I can't imagine the sadness you must've felt when you had to sing in the recording studio as opposed to playing with people your age. You've endured so many hardships, so many fights with the media. I will always remember you as sweet Michael from the Jackson five.

I hope you're at peace now.

I'll finish this L8TR I'm TIRED

Okay, I know I've posted two, well now, THREE blogs today. But man! Today's been a big day. So many things have happened. Break from exams, yelling teachers, and students who... aren't... smart?

I went online, caught up with all my YouTube subcriptions, and in one video, there was a BIG FAT PANDA. http://www.squishable.com/

Fences

Four gated walls seclude you.
Closed off from the world,
solitude.

Even bristles of iron, can't hide you forever.
Why have you done so?
It'll end in failure.

It'll end in rust.

School's out for summer!

Today was the last day of my freshmen year.

I started off the day, late. I strolled into my school's cafeteria at promptly 9:43 a.m. (school starts at 7:00) and sat down waiting for the 15-minute break bell, to ring.
After my first exam for the day, and the last exam of my freshmen year was over, a couple of my friends and i put our desks together. We were all in agreement that we were glad year was finally over.
I can't put into exact detail what was discussed, because it was a butt-load of nothing. We never stayed on a subject for more than two minutes. It was the funniest conversation of the year.

After the school day was over, we laughed at people's nostalgia. Why do people get so sappy at the end of the year? You'll see each other next year, and if not, you'll see the people that matter over the summer. Frankly, nostalgia sickens me. I'm was never for sappy behaviour.

Woohoo, for 1 and a half months of slacking off!

Ice creams

It's official... I'm immature.

Final Lines

Ever since that last letter, I've become quite anti-social. I just don't feel like talking to anyone. I don't feel like trying to strain my brain to come up with something funny to say. I just feel like closing my eyes, throwing on my iPod, and sleeping. I feel no need to speak to anyone. I've logged onto the computer, and my msn starts to sign in. I'm so used to closing it out now.

There's only one person that I talk to, and we all know who it is. I'm sorry, but I almost always put him ahead of anyone else. Our conversation today went something like this (keep in mind, I'm paraphrasing):

(Over text)

M: I challenge you to a fire duel.

(Phone rings)

C: That caught my attention. I like that.

M: I thought it would. I was going to say agni kai, but I don't know how to spell that.

C: (laughs) from Avatar?

M: Yep. I'd win. I know how to retract lightening. And you DON'T!

C: Nope. I'd win. I'm from the water tribe.

M:.... if your from the water tribe, your fire would be.... water?

C: Yes.

M: So it would be water?

--------------------------------------

C: I hate it when people ruin my final lines for me

M: What do you mean?

C: Well, every time I go to (town I live in), I say something amazing before leaving, and someone ruins it for me!

M: (hesitating) um...

C: I'll give you an example. Last Saturday, when my mom's boyfriend arrived, someone was like "*giggle* hey look, your father's here *giggle*" Then I turned around, and said "Papito's my only father"

M: Did you say that in a booming voice?

C: Yes. I was walking out of the door, the wind flowing through my hair, sunset lighting

M: In slow-motion

C: Everyone was shocked. Their faces were like a "did he just say that?" face. And my back was turned from the explosion.

M: BECAUSE COOL GUYS DON'T LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS! (laugh) Oh my god! I can't believe you mentioned that. Kudos. Kudos.

C: (laugh) And then my mom sent me back in to get her comb.

M: (laugh) Aw! She made you face the explosion!

C: (laugh) (fake angry voice) I KNOW! UGH.

M: How dare her ruin such an epic moment! You didn't get mad?

C: No. But LATER ON....... I WAS PISSED.

Inspired

For my spring concert, our final piece was "...and the antelope play" by John Carnahan

I love this piece from the beginning. I was looking through the youtubes, and I found a great recording of it. The recording inspired me to write a poem.

...and the antelope play

Wind harvests us.

Quiet spirits travel.

The purest spirits of freedom.

Unraveling your true character.

...morning light

Pinks and oranges,

creep upon us.

Fatigue fades away.

New day, new beauty.

..behold the valley

In all it's grain,

Not a fault in sight.

Sun tickles the nose.

Warming me into a state of bliss.

Running, running free.

I've never been happier.

...and the antelope play

All in good fun.

Hitting, running, playing.

Mischief, pranks.

Laughing in our youth.

Friends, my friends. Free--

...the plight of the valley

Unfamiliar sights... Noises.

Ruin-- Our ruin!

Quick lights, faster pitter-patter.

Running for our lives.

Chasing. They're closer.... closer. close.

...the spirit remains

Sadness throughout the valley.

No purity.

Ghosts of past, run through.

Memories.

Memories of running through the fields.

Memories of playing, laughing.

Memories of everything that is beautiful.

It will always remain beautiful.

Late Night

This night is the only peaceful, stress-free night I've had since I started high school. There's always a test to study for, a project to start, a thesis to create. I've done all that. Now I have some downtime, for myself. The peace is amazing.
My fan is blowing, cooling my arms and my back. Light rock is coursing its way into my ears. The light is dimmed. My fingers appreciate the smoothness of the keys. I have 5 tabs for 5 sites open. Everything feels right, and carefree.

Firemen's Parade

I've realized that I pretty much FAIL at updating this.

Today I had a parade, in which i had to march in. It was only 2.9 miles but by the 3rd hill, I was huffing and pufing. Sweat trickled down my shirt, my feet felt like they were on fire because of my manditory black socks and shoes. As my band instructer and parents walked around us, passing water, and collecting finished water, I was looking at all

the crazy people in my town.

1. A bald, fourty-something year old man, kept screaming "POVERTY!" "SADISTS!" I didn't know what to make of this, other than, it terrified the hell-outta-me.
2. An old man kept butt-dancing to our music. He was also shirtless and at least 250 pounds. It was hilarious.
3. There was a women on a bike who kept honking the horn on her bike, while screaming "WHOO!" "WHOOOOOO! *NAME OF TOWN I LIVE IN*!!!"
4. There was a little kid, at least 5, who kept throwing candy at us. An M&M hit me, and it hurt. A lot.
5. My mom. She kept screaming "MELISSA! MELISSA! OVER HERE!" Everyone looked at her. -____-

All in all, the parade was NOT FUN. Oh my life...

Dragonball Episode: #33

Currently

Today was fabulous.

When I got home, I started cracking on that Adolf Hitler, research paper (which I have written six times over, since teachers always assign the same topic, whilst teaching us about the Holocaust. How original,) I put my headphones on and started blasting The Mudbloods. The more words that appeared on the page, the different wizard rock bands appeared. Third paragraph, i was jamming to Teenage Werewolf- The Remus Lupins. By the sixth paragraph, i was singing along (very off-key, i may add) to The Parselmouths new album.
After my wizard rock essay writing frenzy, I printed my German current event. I laid on my bed, closed my eyes and sang along to my wizard rock. I felt my phone vibrate beside me.
He called me.
We had an incredibly engaging conversation. We talked about nerdfighters, Jennette McCurdy, Michael Aranda, college, Harry Potter, Looking for Alaska, John Green, along with silly little comments here and there.
"You love me more than your shoes! Admit it!"
:x
Somehow we ended up singing to Red Jumpsuit Apparatus songs.

I love extremely carefree conversations. I love letting my mind wander without worry. Thus the reason why I'm writing this. I want to document this moment. I want to remember this feeling I have forever.

To Future sad/mad/angry/upset me:
Melissa, it's not so bad. He does care. Remember that voice he used? Remember talking about the future? He told you to never forget. Don't forget. Don't fret over this stuff. Be happy. Enjoy his ability to not show his worry.

Dragonball Episode: #27

Lacking

So I've noticed lately, that i'm lacking motivation in continuing watching Dragonball. Naruto Shippuuden, as of now, is a lost cause. One might be thinking, why is it a lost cause? Well, extremely nosey reader who doesn't exist, Naruto Shippuuden is a lost cause because of all the fillers. Sure, some of the fillers are actually important to the story line. The one that's occurring might be important, but i'd rather find out the hard way.
Anyway, i really wanna watch Dragonball, and I could just go watch it, but i'm tired. And lazy. I seem to never finish what I start now a days...

Realizations.

This whole weekend has been relationship hell. 22 months is a long time. You start to get deeper and deeper with the person, and you don't even realize it. You don't feel your own individuality decreasing. You don't feel your in dependency deceasing. When you finally realize you can't stand on your own two feet without him holding your hand, it's too late. This weekend showed me that.

I can't stand on my own two feet without him. And that is, very, very frightening. If he leaves me, I'll fall. I've decided I need to work on myself. Be happy with myself again. No more leaning on him. No more being tough on him for little things. He's my boyfriend, not my husband.

I used to be able to talk to him for hours without getting sad, or angry. But now, I've changed. I'm stupidly getting sad for nothing. I mean come on, self, calm down.

I need to "find" myself. I know I'm there. Somewhere deep down. Don't worry past self, I'll find you. And improve you.

Classic Beauty

You know who I think is gorgeous?
The most beautiful women to ever walk this earth?
Audrey Hepburn.

Style, grace, class, poise.
She had everything.
Some of her quotes are amazing.

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindess; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone."

Besides her being incredibley empowering with words, she was also a fashion icon. Amazingly well dressed. Her smile was her best feature.

If I coulds switch faces/ bodies with anyone it would defintely be her.

She's so incredibly beautiful.

Frantic

Yesterday was the first time a boyfriend as ever surprised me.

It was 2:20 P.M. I was finishing up Identical by Ellen Hopkins, and i get a text.
C: Whatcha up to?
Me: Oh just reading. and eating myself to death. You?

While i waited for his answered, i finished the book. Stood up and went to take a shower. In the middle of choosing my clothes I get a text back.
C: Waiting for you to answer the door.

I laughed and went to see my door, thinking that he was joking, and there he was. He took a look at was I was wearing (old torn shirt, spongebob squarepants pajama bottoms, and hello kitty slippers) and started cracking up.
I then turned beet red, and ran back into my room. My mom heard my yelp, and ran out from the kitchen to see my boyfriend standing there, grinning like hes seen the most hilarious thing in the universe. She yelped too.

I frantically took a shower, trying to get shampoo in my hair, and ended up getting it in my eyes. I could hear his laugh from the living room. After my shower, still in towel, i came up from behind him and splashed him. He still laughed at me.

He stayed from 2-9. It was a well-needed visit. Finally, i got the break from stress I needed.

Naruto Shippuuden: NO PROGRESS
Dragonball: 23 1/2.
Hero's Journey: FINISHED at 3,784 words.

Out-Of-Sorts

I've been stuck in a haze.
Walking around with no sense of what I'm doing.
Doing homework without thinking.
Eating without savouring.
What's wrong with me?

I don't feel sad.
I'm not angry.
I don't feel depressed.
I'm not anxious.
I can't feel.
What's wrong with me?

I don't dream.
My imagination doesn't spiral.
-Creating daises with smiling faces
-And halls filled with beautifully coloured ribbons.

I don't. I can't.

Today, we got an assignment in my English class where we have to write a story about a hero, make sure he/she has a goal, at least two conflicts, learns a lesson, and is 4-5 pages. She also added that we could work on this with another person. Honestly, I don't need another person to help me write 4-5 pages.This assignment is easily, the most exciting thing I've assigned to me. While everyone around me was groaning, and saying "FIVE PAGES?!" out of anger, I was practically bouncing on my chair out of glee.
I have so many ideas, I can hardly contain myself. I have a feeling that my story is going to be a lot more than 4-5 pages. I hope my English teacher doesn't mind.
Before all this happened, I went to meet with my guidance counselor and she told me my teacher recommended I be put in English Honors. That excited me too. On all my essays all I've ever gotten were 'A's, I've never gotten a 'B' on a writing assignment. I honestly enjoy writing things. It exercises my mind.

Naruto Shippuuden: #100
Dragonball: #22

Lethargic

le·thar·gic
Pronunciation: \lə-ˈthär-jik, le-\
Function: adjective
Date: 14th century
1 : of, relating to, or characterized by lethargy : sluggish
2 : indifferent, apathetic

That is certainly the right word.

Today, my mother had an allergic reaction at work. What happened was, she was writing in a patients file, and there was a banana peel laying around. The doctor kept telling her to write faster, and more. My mother, being the determined women that she is, kept writing even though breathing was getting more and more difficult.
In mid-word, she fell down and started wheezing. She was admitted to the hospital. (which thankfully, she was already in)
I've been scrambling around all day, trying to make her life easier, trying to figure out my new phone, trying to memorize three service songs for the memorial day parada, and studying for my trig make-up test.

"UGH ...Life is HARD" 1:07
Naruto Shippuuden: #100
Dragonball: #20

City Morning

I woke up at promptly 5:45 A.M.
The dream is over.

My feet woke with a start, feeling the cold hardwood floors.
I got my towels, and proceeded to take my shower.
The water started running.
My feet relished in the coolness of the water.
Closer and closer I got to the water.
A cool heaven cleansed my face.
Orange-lilac smells around me.
The shower is over.

My wet feet touch the familiar hardwood floor
Clothes are scattered everywhere.
I slip on the simplest, red shirt.
And the gift of my boyfriend's chain.
My feet slip into my ratty converse.
My hands feel the coarseness of the laces.

I stood up at 6:30 A.M.
I look at my white door.
My hands feel the cool doorknob.
The door groans in protest.

The air startles me.
The dew on the grass sparkles.
I turn and see the familiar sights:
Buildings, lights, sunset.

I take in my surroundings.
Everything is beautiful.
I feel a hand on the small of my back.
It's him.
I smile.
He smiles.

We gaze.
Madness happening around us.
Lights, cars, trains, pedestrians.
His lips meet mine

Poorly played prank

After about six o'clock p.m. I started feeling my eyes getting heavy. It was harder and harder to keep them open. So I thought "what the heck? i'll just take a nap." I go to my room, put on my retainers (ick), and close my eyes. Two seconds pass, and I get a text message.
I groan, and rise from my bed to see who it's from.
Ceese (Boyfriend=Chavy=Ceese): I'm going to Ecuador tommorrow.
I reply: No the hell your not, i almost died the first time.
Ceese: I have to.
Reply: Really? For what reason?
Ceese: Family stuff.
Reply: Stop lying. I'll talk to you later.
Ceese: I'm nottttttttt, i'm serious. family stuff.
Reply: Chavy A___ D___, I know you. And i can tell when your lying. Now if you'll excuse me, i'm tired.
Ceese: Fine whatever.
Reply: Haha, you getting all mad doesn't make me believe you.
Ceese: :

I call him.
Ceese: *giggling* hello?
Reply: You're the worst liar ever.
Ceese: Hey, i had to do it. I couldn't resist.


Stupid boy. Stupid.

Naruto Shippuuden: If i say 99 still will you get mad? Hopefully not. #99

I'm aliveeeeeeee!

Unfortunately, (hahah) i never got to take my band test. The day after I posted that blog, i stayed home. I felt the worst I've felt... EVER. I don't even want to discuss that.
It's hard to get back into the swing of things. We'll see how long it takes for me to get back to normal.

Naruto Shippuuden : # STILL 99

Epiphany

I've only just realized writing this blog helps me keep my calm. It's good for me. I've decided I'll write in here more often. Sometimes i have really important things to say. But most times, it's just for me to say things that i really need to get off my chest.
Maybe this will be like one of those epic diaries, that after the person dies, becomes a time-less piece of literature, and is taught in the middle school curriculum. Maybe I'll change someones life. Maybe I'll save someones life. Maybe I'll end up on the bookshelf of groundbreaking diaries such as, The Diary of Anne Frank or Go ask Alice.

I don't want to be anonymous. My name is Melissa, I'm fifteen years old. I have a boyfriend. I don't like showing anyone else my emotions towards him, except for... well him. I love him, take my word for it. He lives in NYC, i live in suburban New Jersey. (More on that later) I like Pokemon, dragonball z, naruto, harry potter, reading. I have weird mood swings, and I get in trouble because of them. I say the wrong things sometimes, and sometimes I just want to talk to someone, anyone.
I'm not a Jewish girl, hiding to save her life, or a someone who uses drugs. But maybe my own personal point of view, will reach someone, somewhere. Maybe the things I've done, or will do, or been through, would be/ is relate able.
Or maybe I just have enormous dreams. I choose the latter.

Naruto Shippuuden: #99

Complaints

Relationships are hard. My boyfriend's friend pretended to be him, and called me "dumb as bricks" for believing him. thanks.

(Next day... i think.)
I don't feel that much better. I mean, my relationship's fine, but i'm sick now. Let's just say, my stomach is killing me. Like literally, i feel like death. My boyfriend's taking a nap right now, i envy him. If i so much as turn to my side, i'll start feeling woozy. Today, after 1st period (gym), i was walking to my class, and my stomach started doing weird flips, and turns. Long story short, i ended up going home 4th period. This worries me for many reasons.
A. The last time i got sent home early was for the same exact reason, only it was in the 4th grade.
B. I had a band test today. And although, this "setback" has giving me time to study for it (which i did) it worries me that my band teacher will make me recite the test to everyone in the class. I'll make sure to let you (did you see that? i actually think people READ this) know.
C. I always hate missing class. I hate knowing that there's something i missed learning. I hate knowing my knowledge is less than what it could've been.

When i got home, i sat on the couch and burried my woes in Law and Order: SUV re-runs. What did i have for dinner? Salad. What did i ask my mom for dinner tomorrow? Something healthy. Why? Because i want to start living a healthier life-style. Something must be wrong with me. *face-palm*

Seeing Red

Sometimes, I'm a bit hot-headed. And by "a bit", i mean "very". For example: Today in my History class, my teacher was trying to get others attention by not speaking. My friends and I noticed immediately, but the girls who were chatting about their weekend, noticed NOTHING. The whole class was silent except these five or six girls whose conversation was so insightful, i thought i might share
"Hell yes, this weekend's party was fuckin' hot"
"Serious?"
"Yeah, we got fucked up, and guess who ended up staying over with Mario?"
"*GASP* WHO?"
"Allison"
"HOLY SHIT"

The teacher proceeded to stare blankly, at the wall and await until the conservators were finished. She got tired of waiting and gave the whole class detention. Out of anger i said
"Your weekend is extremely irrelevant when it comes to this history class. This is why your all failing, and indulging yourself in toxins instead of making something of yourself. Now shut up, I'd like to learn about the Revolution"
They all fell silent after I said my piece, and the teacher gave me a look that said "thank you for saying things that I'm not allowed to say, or else I'd get fired"
While the lesson was occurring I was still angry. Why should we all have to get punished for something a few idiotic girls did? Everything turned red when the loudest of the stupid girls asked
"Does this class end at 11:00, or 1:00 o'clock?"
I felt like saying are you stupid? But instead I said "Well obviously 11:00 o' clock, by 1:00 we'd all be in 6th period."
Her brilliant response was "Hahah! I'm stupid, i didn't know."
"Obviously."

Finally at the end of the lesson she "got" that I basically called her stupid.
Which she is.

Afterwords, my teacher said I didn't have to go to the detention.

Slow

Day.

Generally, i'm more insightful than most fifteen-year-old girls, but today my thoughts have been so incredibly vapid/ stupid, i thought i'd share.
"It's so hot, ew i'm so ugly when i'm sweaty"
"My hair. is. getting. so. puffed."
"The pillsbury dough boy is soooo cute."
"She just poured water on my feets. My feets are cute"
"I WANT ICE CREAMS. RIGHT. NOW"

i just sneezed, and all my vapid thoughts went out of my body along with my sneeze.
Yippee, i'm cured.

Insomina

Brigitte Dale is amazing. She speaks so slowly, but it makes me wanna listen. Creepy? Maybe.

Heroine #1

It's a Quince!

I feel like i'm too mellowed out to be going to a party. Everything feels... slow. The warmth coming through my windows feels nice. Spring is growing on me. I'm looking at my french-pedicured toes, and i feel... older. Three years ago, I wasn't open to anything outside my comfort zone. And right now, i'm in a purple dress, hair combed, nails painted. Oh how the years change you.
I'll put up some pictures of the party later. Maybe.

She made me smile even though i was tired.

The Nicest Thing

By Kate Nash

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style
I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met
I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three
I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

These lyrics are perfect. The wishes, are some that are very close to home. The song is lovely, and divine.
There's a dance video for this song. The video is full of talented dancers, it's incredible. I wish i had talent. ):

ukiah

The sun is beaming
My boyfriend has arrived
I am so awesome

Haiku

Rain pours down faster

My boyfriend still isn't here
I am the greatest

Over the years, i've been watching Naruto on Cartoon Network. The show has grown on me, and i've found myself making references to the show in everyday life. That was a problem because no one understood my jokes. After i found my boy, we'd watch it together. He was ahead of my in the Naruto series because he viewed it on the Internet. He always tried to get me to watch Naruto on the Internet, but I was so stubborn that I refused to listen. After a while, Naruto gave only every other week, and the episodes ended on the biggest cliffhangers ever. One day, i decided I'd just watch Naruto on the Internet in Japanese with subs.
I found myself loving Naruto in Japanese. After the Naruto series ends, there is another series called Naruto Shippuuden and it's based 2 years later in Naruto's life. Naruto Shippuuden is the greatest 24 days I've spent in my life. (it took me 24 days to catch up on the 52 episodes) After I was caught up, i watched Naruto religiously. But after a while, school became a hassle, so I put off watching Naruto for about two months. Of course if you miss two months of Naruto episodes you have to play some catch-up.
I'm going to put what episode i'm on so if I forget, I can just look here for reference.

Naruto Shippuuden Episode: #92

Losin' it

I can't hold myself together.
Should I, Shouldn't I?
What difference does it make?
Pain is unbearable.
I can't even make a decent poem.
Fuck this.

Many hours later:
'Kay, I'm saved. Harry Potter 6 trailers saved me. Oh Potter, you've got a way with words.

Stupid, Stupid. Stupid.

Have you ever noticed that if your feeling bad, all the things you've messed up on, or have done bad in, come flooding back to you? Is it only me? Ugh, i hate that.
Here i was, having a-okay day, feeling alright. I read Go ask Alice, and i start feeling edgy. It's a good book, don't get me wrong. It's just, the way it ends really shakes me. I go to check other's blog updates, and BAM. That stupid AT&T commerical jumps out at me. That makes me feel worse. I go to check myspace, and see my boyfriend logged on yesterday, and didn't... talk to me. Fine, i was overreacting, but that made me feel worse.
I started thinking about that time i made an ass out of myself. I've probably done that many times, but this one time sticks out.
I was befriending my boyfriend's ex girlfriend because i felt bad that he dumped her for me. Although it was ages ago, i still felt extremely bad for some reason. One day, it all spills out of me. I apologized and apologized, i even wrote her an extremely lengthly anecdote. She laughs at me.
"Uh.. Chavy and I never went out."
I felt stupid. But that wasn't the end. Oh no sir. I wish. She has the nerve to tell him about my "funny story" and he laughs at me. I was humiliated. It's not that big of a deal, but it still gets to me.
As for the girl, we don't talk anymore. Not because of the sisuation. And if she reads this: Hello.

G'night.

Bashin'

Today i was looking through a friend's comment section, trying to see what i wrote back to him (because i forgot), and i saw a girl. This girl's photo was her sticking out her butt, hair in her face, and her myspace name was "____BANqsz ;)" Let's have a moment to take that in.
I then proceeded to click on her myspace. Her heading read "last name: juicy" According to her 'about me' she hates drama, and "dumb bitches" but "loves to get trashed, and btw.. the club was ILL" I'll let you have another moment to take that in.
She's a walking contradiction. Am I the only one who sees the stupidity of this generation (my stupid, stupid generation) and is horrified of it? These are our future leaders. Although this is just one girl, she's a great example of how many teenagers are, now-a-days. This vapidness, this ignorance doesn't stop with her, it's with many teenagers.
These people actually think they're cool. Since when has being trashed/ slutty cute? Or cool? Excuse me, I never got the memo. And frankly, I don't want to get the memo.

Bullets

I hear the familiar sounds. Cars whooshing by, the train passing, crickets chirping. I see the familiar sight: darkness. There is no fiery arm keeping me warm. There isn't a hand intertwined with mine. There's no one. I'm alone.
The pain, I braced myself for. But when it hit, it hit hard. I couldn't brace myself for the impact. I couldn't push it out of my mind. The pain stayed in my stomach.
I lay awake looking at the darkness. Memories hitting me like bullets. My stomach squeezing the life out of me. Breathing is becoming harder and harder. As I intake oxygen, my lungs feel like they're becoming smaller and smaller. The pain is becoming deeper, harder to withstand. I keep thinking
"Melissa, he's okay. You know he is. You know he's enjoying himself. Don't make him have a reason to worry about you."
My inner-voice is keeping me going. It doesn't release the pain, it just soothes it. It's like make-up for a scar. It doesn't go away, it just makes it appear gone for a little while.
This room is lonely. The air has a certain "unwelcome" message to it. The sounds are irrelevant. Feelings are irrelevant. Everything is futile. Everything without him.

Charmelissa(:™ says:
I don't know what to name my lines. i finished. i sound stupid.
c. says:
Hmmm
What's it about?
Charmelissa(:™ says:
Chavy.
c. says:
I knewwwwww it
Charmelissa(:™ says:
it's.. hard for me to be without him.
not for him. but for me, it's hard.

I was okay before I said that. Then it hit harder, and pain rose, hit my heart and came out in forms of tears. I wish I could tell him when he comes back "I didn't cry" but I did. I wish I hadn't.

Memory

I lie awake looking at the darkness.

The wind from the open window causes me to shiver, the air feels cold tonight. My eyes adjust to the dark, I see his fiery arm around my waist. He snores. Another breeze passes through my window, I try to get closer to him. I put my head on his chest, thinking about how we got here.
No act of debauchery was committed. No wrongful behavior caused this situation. We simply fell asleep while watching late-night music videos.
I close my eyes, trying to listen to the sounds of the night. Cars whooshing by, the train passing, kids trying to avoid trouble by sneaking into their homes, crickets chirping, exotic insects. I look at his face. So peaceful, so baby-like. I interlace our hands. He doesn't know. He doesn't know how much I love these simple moments.
"Melissa?"
"Yes?"
"What time is it?"
I glanced at the clock
"4:48 A.M."
He sat upright, shock reaching his eyes.
"4:48 A.M?! I was supposed to be home by 10, I should go."
"Don't- don't leave me. Please?" I could hear the hurt in my voice.
His face softened. He tightened his hand that was intertwined with mine.
"I'll stay."

He laid back down, and I smiled at him. He smiled back. The smiles faded, but I never stopped looking at him. Neither did he. His eyes were speaking to mine. Every now and then, he'd push a strand of my hair behind my tiny ears, and he'd smile. Our hands never left the other. Our eyes never stopped looking.
We drifted off into unconsciousness, and met again in our dreamland.

Unfamiliar Room

I sit here, typing. The only light able to shine on me is the light of the computer. Where am I? I glance over at the television behind me, the Disney Channel is on. The unfamiliar sound of the clicking of the keyboard soothes me. The feeling in this room is that of a home. A home that is not my own. But I belong.
The walls are covered with Jonas Brothers posters. Tons, and tons, of Jonas Brothers posters. Am I in a five-year old's heaven? No. I'm in the room of my best friend. A chill runs through my spine. Night always freezes my skin. The unfamiliar shadows lurk behind me. Almost teasing me.
I can hear the water running in the room across. I can hear the computer i'm working on wheezing it's last breaths. These are the sound of a home that is not my own.
It's 12:15 A.M. I do not feel lonely. I feel welcomed... loved, even. It feels like home. And for one second, I almost forget that the love of my life is south of me. I almost forget that I miss him. Almost.

Analytical Thinker (AT)

It's 1:37 A.M and i could not sleep. This has been an occurring pattern in my days, well, nights. Sleeping has become harder and harder for me. I don't know why this has come to be. Is the catching up i have to do with all my YouTube subscriptions? Is it the constant reading I've been doing at night? Is it the things that trouble me: boyfriend abandonment, missing my family, money issues? Is it school? I don't know what it is.
I took a personality test on the Internet, this morning (it's A.M. remember?) results were fascinating

Analytical Thinkers are reserved, quiet persons. They like to get to the bottom of things - curiosity is one of their strongest strongest motives. They want to know what holds the world together deep downinside. They do not really need much more to be happy because they are modest persons. Analytical Thinkers loathe contradictions and illogicalness; with their sharp intellect, they quickly and comprehensively grasp patterns, principles and structures. Analytical Thinkers therefore often give others the impression that they are arrogant or snobby - especially because they do not hesitate to speak their mind with their often harsh (even if justified) criticism and their imperturbable self-confidence. But whoever succeeds in winning their respect and interest has a witty and very intelligent person to talk to. It takes some time before Analytical Thinkers make friends, but then they are mostly friends for life.

Very very interesting indeed. I chose only the highlights that depict my personality perfectly. That was quite good, I was a bit surprised. I think the best part about this test, was that it felt like someone knew me better than I knew myself, and that's awesome. I'll have good dreams.

That is a picture of palm trees, (took picture in '05) in a country that i'd like to be right now.

Gone.

My boyfriend of 20 months is in Ecuador right now. He's going to be there for a week.

The longest we've been apart has been 3, awful days. I'm not lying when I say they were awful. I couldn't breathe right, the action in itself felt wrong. My insides felt ripped apart, it felt like half of me left with him. It sounds pathetic, and it was. My reaction was equivalent as someone has died.
The worst part is not that he's going to be gone DOUBLE the amount of time we've been apart, and then some; the worst part is he's in a different country. We've never had to deal with that situation before.

Today, i was doing fairly well. I wasn't sad, i just missed him. There was so many things that happened in my day that i wanted to tell him about, but couldn't. Just when I was thinking "Maybe it won't be so bad" up pops up this commerical

AT&T Backpacker Commercial

That song is our song. You know how couples always have "a song"? Yeah, that's ours. It's kind of cheesy, but we sing it to each other a lot.
Disclaimer: We've known this song since '07, we haven't fallen in love with it JUST NOW.

Seeing that commerical made me really sad. I was suprised i didn't just start sobbing out nowhere.
/sigh.

Sunrise

This morning i stepped outside. Locked my door, and stood on my stoop letting the wind whip my hair around. I popped my headphones in my ears, they were cold. The song playing was Golden- Fall Out Boy, and that song has many soft undertones; it's very pretty to say the least. I started to walk to the beat (unavoidable, and very embarrassing), while looking at my shoes. When i looked up for a moment to see whether i had reached my bus stop, i saw the sky.

The sun was rising, causing the sky to become bright pink, rich purple, and a deep orange. It was filled with little specs of gold, and blue. It felt like i was in a photograph, or a painting. I stood still, in my spot and it started to snow. The snow was like little beams of light falling from the sky. It was so.. beautiful. The snow was sprinkled on my nose, making me giggle. The beauty around me was astounding, the light beams sprinkling around me, the pink-purple-orange sky, the song pumping in my ears.

I stood there for so long, that i didn't notice that everyone around me was getting on the bus. I took one last look, and climbed on.

Insight.

Peaceful days are the best. Going outside for a walk in the park, while feeling the light breeze blow through your hair, smelling the sweet yellow tulips, feeling the rain pour lightly on your skin, hearing the sound of cars pass by while swishing through the rain; all while the music in my ears are pumping so loud I can barely think.

I sit on the grass, waiting to hear my phone sing my familiar ring tone. Time passes by slowly, but in a peaceful way. I don't feel anxious, or overwhelmed. I feel.. nice. I gaze, taking in the view; street signs, houses that are too-close-together, graffiti tags on the sidewalk, red swings, white slides, chain-link fences, tall buildings, blue skies. I close my eyes, somehow still seeing what's around me.
My phone sings. My mind stops working when I hear
"Hello,"
I can hear the smile in his voice. I take a second to cherish this moment.
"You always have to have the first word," I retort.
He laughs.
"Only because you always get to have the last."

He's right you know.