Isn't it funny how music touches us? It has the ability to bring you back to a special time, or place. It has the ability to bring back feelings, whether happy or sad.
These past three days haven't been good for me. My relationship with Chavy has always been... different. He lives in the Bronx, I live in suburban New Jersey. Although this might not seem as a great distance, any distance is a great distance. He's a Junior, going on Senior, and I'm a Freshmen going on Sophomore. From the first conversation we had on MSN, I knew he was going to be a huge part of my life. He and I had the same type of humor. We watched the same shows, we just brought out the best in each other. He pushed me to grow intellecutally. He was the only person in my entire life that I KNEW i was lucky to have in my life.
We've been together since he was a Sophomore. I've know him since he was an 8th grader. When we became a couple, we had to make due with what we had. We talked through I.M. everyday, calls here and there. After 1 month of being together, we saw each other from the 22- 26th. Those days, although were incredible, they were way too short.
Our whole relationship was a struggle. We moved at a slow pace. First kiss at 3 months. First hand-holding at 3 months. Cuddling at 3 months.
Because we had such limited time together, we appreciated it, so much more. Our relationship was the strongest bond, I'd ever known. We spent Christmas of '07 together, New Year's of '08 together. Halloween of '07. Whenever we got together, it was as if though we had never left each other. But with each visit, comes an end. Each end got tougher and tougher. I cried for a great portion of them.
The first few months of being together were the best months of my life. Honestly, i've never felt so much love and adoration. It's not something that can be explained. Only people who've felt this know exactly what i mean. We were the cheesiest goobers ever! I'd send him song lyrics that I thought were cute, he'd read poems to me, we'd talk about the future, we had two "kids", we'd spend HOURS on the phone saying things so cheesy that you'd hate cheese.
Months passed, and we were at our 1 year anniversary. We spent it together. I remember he got me shoes that I REALLY wanted. More months passed, and we fought. Normal couples fight. But normal couples can hug each other, or kiss to stop the fight. We didn't have that. After fights we'd have to wait WEEKS to embrace each other. A month ago, he and I had a fight. But it was in person. The conflict was solved so quickly, simply because we could hug, or hold hands.
Shortly thereafter, things got harder. We haven't fought, but the distance is taking a toll on us. Not only the distance, but the fact that he's now going to have a job, and going to work 5 days a week, which leaves... almost no time to talk.
He broke up with me three days ago, for that reason.
What made me document this is, after he broke up with me, I didn't really cry. I felt horrible inside, sure. It's the worst pain, I've ever felt, but I had to be strong. I told myself there's no use in crying. I tried persuading him that this isn't the best solution. We can work anything we want to, if we just try. After a day of trying to get him back, i felt pitiful. No use. Might as well leave him alone.
This morning when I woke up, I felt that same pain I did yesterday. Almost stronger as time passes. I made it the whole day without crying, until things started breaking me down, little by little. I was listening to "Now that I'm grown, I've seen marriages fall to pieces." Down and Out- The Academy Is... That reminded me of Jon & Kate Gosselin. For some reason, their relationship ending, really hurt me. I didn't express my pain to anyone. I guess the reason that it hurt me, is I saw love fall apart before my very eyes. I saw their failure from the beginning. I saw Kate crying because she couldn't do anything to save their marriage. Regardless of her personality, I believe that she really wanted to save it.
I went on myspace and listen to the Jackson 5. Their song "Never Can Say Goodbye" made me cry. "Even though the pain and heartache, seems to follow me wherever I go. Though I try and try to hide my feelings, they always seem to show. Then you try to say you're leaving me, and I always have to say no... I keep thinkin that our problems, soon are all gonna work out. But there's that same unhappy feeling and there's that anguish, there's that doubt. It's the same old did ya hang up? Can't do with you or without." This song perfectly describes how i feel.
I just wish this whole hurt point of my life is over. Can't it just get back to happy? This time, two years ago, was the happiest I'd ever been. Because of him. Two years later, this is the saddest/most depressed I've ever been. Because of him. You know what makes it hurt more? The loneliness. I'm so used to texting all day, or talking all day, that now when we don't have that anymore, i don't know what to do. Most of my friends are on vacation. I've never been the type of person who likes to talk to people first. You know what i mean? I don't like to invite people places, or start up conversations, I like people inviting me, or talking to me. My state of depression hasn't really helped my "not wanting to talk to people first" thing. Which, in hindsight isn't good. This is a time where I really need people to cheer me up, and yet I make no effort in speaking to them.
These past three days haven't been good for me. My relationship with Chavy has always been... different. He lives in the Bronx, I live in suburban New Jersey. Although this might not seem as a great distance, any distance is a great distance. He's a Junior, going on Senior, and I'm a Freshmen going on Sophomore. From the first conversation we had on MSN, I knew he was going to be a huge part of my life. He and I had the same type of humor. We watched the same shows, we just brought out the best in each other. He pushed me to grow intellecutally. He was the only person in my entire life that I KNEW i was lucky to have in my life.
We've been together since he was a Sophomore. I've know him since he was an 8th grader. When we became a couple, we had to make due with what we had. We talked through I.M. everyday, calls here and there. After 1 month of being together, we saw each other from the 22- 26th. Those days, although were incredible, they were way too short.
Our whole relationship was a struggle. We moved at a slow pace. First kiss at 3 months. First hand-holding at 3 months. Cuddling at 3 months.
Because we had such limited time together, we appreciated it, so much more. Our relationship was the strongest bond, I'd ever known. We spent Christmas of '07 together, New Year's of '08 together. Halloween of '07. Whenever we got together, it was as if though we had never left each other. But with each visit, comes an end. Each end got tougher and tougher. I cried for a great portion of them.
The first few months of being together were the best months of my life. Honestly, i've never felt so much love and adoration. It's not something that can be explained. Only people who've felt this know exactly what i mean. We were the cheesiest goobers ever! I'd send him song lyrics that I thought were cute, he'd read poems to me, we'd talk about the future, we had two "kids", we'd spend HOURS on the phone saying things so cheesy that you'd hate cheese.
Months passed, and we were at our 1 year anniversary. We spent it together. I remember he got me shoes that I REALLY wanted. More months passed, and we fought. Normal couples fight. But normal couples can hug each other, or kiss to stop the fight. We didn't have that. After fights we'd have to wait WEEKS to embrace each other. A month ago, he and I had a fight. But it was in person. The conflict was solved so quickly, simply because we could hug, or hold hands.
Shortly thereafter, things got harder. We haven't fought, but the distance is taking a toll on us. Not only the distance, but the fact that he's now going to have a job, and going to work 5 days a week, which leaves... almost no time to talk.
He broke up with me three days ago, for that reason.
What made me document this is, after he broke up with me, I didn't really cry. I felt horrible inside, sure. It's the worst pain, I've ever felt, but I had to be strong. I told myself there's no use in crying. I tried persuading him that this isn't the best solution. We can work anything we want to, if we just try. After a day of trying to get him back, i felt pitiful. No use. Might as well leave him alone.
This morning when I woke up, I felt that same pain I did yesterday. Almost stronger as time passes. I made it the whole day without crying, until things started breaking me down, little by little. I was listening to "Now that I'm grown, I've seen marriages fall to pieces." Down and Out- The Academy Is... That reminded me of Jon & Kate Gosselin. For some reason, their relationship ending, really hurt me. I didn't express my pain to anyone. I guess the reason that it hurt me, is I saw love fall apart before my very eyes. I saw their failure from the beginning. I saw Kate crying because she couldn't do anything to save their marriage. Regardless of her personality, I believe that she really wanted to save it.
I went on myspace and listen to the Jackson 5. Their song "Never Can Say Goodbye" made me cry. "Even though the pain and heartache, seems to follow me wherever I go. Though I try and try to hide my feelings, they always seem to show. Then you try to say you're leaving me, and I always have to say no... I keep thinkin that our problems, soon are all gonna work out. But there's that same unhappy feeling and there's that anguish, there's that doubt. It's the same old did ya hang up? Can't do with you or without." This song perfectly describes how i feel.
I just wish this whole hurt point of my life is over. Can't it just get back to happy? This time, two years ago, was the happiest I'd ever been. Because of him. Two years later, this is the saddest/most depressed I've ever been. Because of him. You know what makes it hurt more? The loneliness. I'm so used to texting all day, or talking all day, that now when we don't have that anymore, i don't know what to do. Most of my friends are on vacation. I've never been the type of person who likes to talk to people first. You know what i mean? I don't like to invite people places, or start up conversations, I like people inviting me, or talking to me. My state of depression hasn't really helped my "not wanting to talk to people first" thing. Which, in hindsight isn't good. This is a time where I really need people to cheer me up, and yet I make no effort in speaking to them.
I used to think that the girls that got so dramatically upset over a break-up were wussies. Well, didn't that thought bite me in the ass? It's not like I'm crying and there's mascara covered tissues all over my bed. It's not like I'm watching romantic-comedys while eating ice cream. I'm just hurting on the inside. I'm just not talking to anyone. But I really want to.
Gads! This blog is so depressing. I'm sorry. I just need some serious cheering up.
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