Seeing Red

Sometimes, I'm a bit hot-headed. And by "a bit", i mean "very". For example: Today in my History class, my teacher was trying to get others attention by not speaking. My friends and I noticed immediately, but the girls who were chatting about their weekend, noticed NOTHING. The whole class was silent except these five or six girls whose conversation was so insightful, i thought i might share
"Hell yes, this weekend's party was fuckin' hot"
"Serious?"
"Yeah, we got fucked up, and guess who ended up staying over with Mario?"
"*GASP* WHO?"
"Allison"
"HOLY SHIT"

The teacher proceeded to stare blankly, at the wall and await until the conservators were finished. She got tired of waiting and gave the whole class detention. Out of anger i said
"Your weekend is extremely irrelevant when it comes to this history class. This is why your all failing, and indulging yourself in toxins instead of making something of yourself. Now shut up, I'd like to learn about the Revolution"
They all fell silent after I said my piece, and the teacher gave me a look that said "thank you for saying things that I'm not allowed to say, or else I'd get fired"
While the lesson was occurring I was still angry. Why should we all have to get punished for something a few idiotic girls did? Everything turned red when the loudest of the stupid girls asked
"Does this class end at 11:00, or 1:00 o'clock?"
I felt like saying are you stupid? But instead I said "Well obviously 11:00 o' clock, by 1:00 we'd all be in 6th period."
Her brilliant response was "Hahah! I'm stupid, i didn't know."
"Obviously."

Finally at the end of the lesson she "got" that I basically called her stupid.
Which she is.

Afterwords, my teacher said I didn't have to go to the detention.

Slow

Day.

Generally, i'm more insightful than most fifteen-year-old girls, but today my thoughts have been so incredibly vapid/ stupid, i thought i'd share.
"It's so hot, ew i'm so ugly when i'm sweaty"
"My hair. is. getting. so. puffed."
"The pillsbury dough boy is soooo cute."
"She just poured water on my feets. My feets are cute"
"I WANT ICE CREAMS. RIGHT. NOW"

i just sneezed, and all my vapid thoughts went out of my body along with my sneeze.
Yippee, i'm cured.

Insomina

Brigitte Dale is amazing. She speaks so slowly, but it makes me wanna listen. Creepy? Maybe.

Heroine #1

It's a Quince!

I feel like i'm too mellowed out to be going to a party. Everything feels... slow. The warmth coming through my windows feels nice. Spring is growing on me. I'm looking at my french-pedicured toes, and i feel... older. Three years ago, I wasn't open to anything outside my comfort zone. And right now, i'm in a purple dress, hair combed, nails painted. Oh how the years change you.
I'll put up some pictures of the party later. Maybe.

She made me smile even though i was tired.

The Nicest Thing

By Kate Nash

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style
I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met
I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three
I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

These lyrics are perfect. The wishes, are some that are very close to home. The song is lovely, and divine.
There's a dance video for this song. The video is full of talented dancers, it's incredible. I wish i had talent. ):

ukiah

The sun is beaming
My boyfriend has arrived
I am so awesome

Haiku

Rain pours down faster

My boyfriend still isn't here
I am the greatest

Over the years, i've been watching Naruto on Cartoon Network. The show has grown on me, and i've found myself making references to the show in everyday life. That was a problem because no one understood my jokes. After i found my boy, we'd watch it together. He was ahead of my in the Naruto series because he viewed it on the Internet. He always tried to get me to watch Naruto on the Internet, but I was so stubborn that I refused to listen. After a while, Naruto gave only every other week, and the episodes ended on the biggest cliffhangers ever. One day, i decided I'd just watch Naruto on the Internet in Japanese with subs.
I found myself loving Naruto in Japanese. After the Naruto series ends, there is another series called Naruto Shippuuden and it's based 2 years later in Naruto's life. Naruto Shippuuden is the greatest 24 days I've spent in my life. (it took me 24 days to catch up on the 52 episodes) After I was caught up, i watched Naruto religiously. But after a while, school became a hassle, so I put off watching Naruto for about two months. Of course if you miss two months of Naruto episodes you have to play some catch-up.
I'm going to put what episode i'm on so if I forget, I can just look here for reference.

Naruto Shippuuden Episode: #92

Losin' it

I can't hold myself together.
Should I, Shouldn't I?
What difference does it make?
Pain is unbearable.
I can't even make a decent poem.
Fuck this.

Many hours later:
'Kay, I'm saved. Harry Potter 6 trailers saved me. Oh Potter, you've got a way with words.

Stupid, Stupid. Stupid.

Have you ever noticed that if your feeling bad, all the things you've messed up on, or have done bad in, come flooding back to you? Is it only me? Ugh, i hate that.
Here i was, having a-okay day, feeling alright. I read Go ask Alice, and i start feeling edgy. It's a good book, don't get me wrong. It's just, the way it ends really shakes me. I go to check other's blog updates, and BAM. That stupid AT&T commerical jumps out at me. That makes me feel worse. I go to check myspace, and see my boyfriend logged on yesterday, and didn't... talk to me. Fine, i was overreacting, but that made me feel worse.
I started thinking about that time i made an ass out of myself. I've probably done that many times, but this one time sticks out.
I was befriending my boyfriend's ex girlfriend because i felt bad that he dumped her for me. Although it was ages ago, i still felt extremely bad for some reason. One day, it all spills out of me. I apologized and apologized, i even wrote her an extremely lengthly anecdote. She laughs at me.
"Uh.. Chavy and I never went out."
I felt stupid. But that wasn't the end. Oh no sir. I wish. She has the nerve to tell him about my "funny story" and he laughs at me. I was humiliated. It's not that big of a deal, but it still gets to me.
As for the girl, we don't talk anymore. Not because of the sisuation. And if she reads this: Hello.

G'night.

Bashin'

Today i was looking through a friend's comment section, trying to see what i wrote back to him (because i forgot), and i saw a girl. This girl's photo was her sticking out her butt, hair in her face, and her myspace name was "____BANqsz ;)" Let's have a moment to take that in.
I then proceeded to click on her myspace. Her heading read "last name: juicy" According to her 'about me' she hates drama, and "dumb bitches" but "loves to get trashed, and btw.. the club was ILL" I'll let you have another moment to take that in.
She's a walking contradiction. Am I the only one who sees the stupidity of this generation (my stupid, stupid generation) and is horrified of it? These are our future leaders. Although this is just one girl, she's a great example of how many teenagers are, now-a-days. This vapidness, this ignorance doesn't stop with her, it's with many teenagers.
These people actually think they're cool. Since when has being trashed/ slutty cute? Or cool? Excuse me, I never got the memo. And frankly, I don't want to get the memo.

Bullets

I hear the familiar sounds. Cars whooshing by, the train passing, crickets chirping. I see the familiar sight: darkness. There is no fiery arm keeping me warm. There isn't a hand intertwined with mine. There's no one. I'm alone.
The pain, I braced myself for. But when it hit, it hit hard. I couldn't brace myself for the impact. I couldn't push it out of my mind. The pain stayed in my stomach.
I lay awake looking at the darkness. Memories hitting me like bullets. My stomach squeezing the life out of me. Breathing is becoming harder and harder. As I intake oxygen, my lungs feel like they're becoming smaller and smaller. The pain is becoming deeper, harder to withstand. I keep thinking
"Melissa, he's okay. You know he is. You know he's enjoying himself. Don't make him have a reason to worry about you."
My inner-voice is keeping me going. It doesn't release the pain, it just soothes it. It's like make-up for a scar. It doesn't go away, it just makes it appear gone for a little while.
This room is lonely. The air has a certain "unwelcome" message to it. The sounds are irrelevant. Feelings are irrelevant. Everything is futile. Everything without him.

Charmelissa(:™ says:
I don't know what to name my lines. i finished. i sound stupid.
c. says:
Hmmm
What's it about?
Charmelissa(:™ says:
Chavy.
c. says:
I knewwwwww it
Charmelissa(:™ says:
it's.. hard for me to be without him.
not for him. but for me, it's hard.

I was okay before I said that. Then it hit harder, and pain rose, hit my heart and came out in forms of tears. I wish I could tell him when he comes back "I didn't cry" but I did. I wish I hadn't.

Memory

I lie awake looking at the darkness.

The wind from the open window causes me to shiver, the air feels cold tonight. My eyes adjust to the dark, I see his fiery arm around my waist. He snores. Another breeze passes through my window, I try to get closer to him. I put my head on his chest, thinking about how we got here.
No act of debauchery was committed. No wrongful behavior caused this situation. We simply fell asleep while watching late-night music videos.
I close my eyes, trying to listen to the sounds of the night. Cars whooshing by, the train passing, kids trying to avoid trouble by sneaking into their homes, crickets chirping, exotic insects. I look at his face. So peaceful, so baby-like. I interlace our hands. He doesn't know. He doesn't know how much I love these simple moments.
"Melissa?"
"Yes?"
"What time is it?"
I glanced at the clock
"4:48 A.M."
He sat upright, shock reaching his eyes.
"4:48 A.M?! I was supposed to be home by 10, I should go."
"Don't- don't leave me. Please?" I could hear the hurt in my voice.
His face softened. He tightened his hand that was intertwined with mine.
"I'll stay."

He laid back down, and I smiled at him. He smiled back. The smiles faded, but I never stopped looking at him. Neither did he. His eyes were speaking to mine. Every now and then, he'd push a strand of my hair behind my tiny ears, and he'd smile. Our hands never left the other. Our eyes never stopped looking.
We drifted off into unconsciousness, and met again in our dreamland.

Unfamiliar Room

I sit here, typing. The only light able to shine on me is the light of the computer. Where am I? I glance over at the television behind me, the Disney Channel is on. The unfamiliar sound of the clicking of the keyboard soothes me. The feeling in this room is that of a home. A home that is not my own. But I belong.
The walls are covered with Jonas Brothers posters. Tons, and tons, of Jonas Brothers posters. Am I in a five-year old's heaven? No. I'm in the room of my best friend. A chill runs through my spine. Night always freezes my skin. The unfamiliar shadows lurk behind me. Almost teasing me.
I can hear the water running in the room across. I can hear the computer i'm working on wheezing it's last breaths. These are the sound of a home that is not my own.
It's 12:15 A.M. I do not feel lonely. I feel welcomed... loved, even. It feels like home. And for one second, I almost forget that the love of my life is south of me. I almost forget that I miss him. Almost.

Analytical Thinker (AT)

It's 1:37 A.M and i could not sleep. This has been an occurring pattern in my days, well, nights. Sleeping has become harder and harder for me. I don't know why this has come to be. Is the catching up i have to do with all my YouTube subscriptions? Is it the constant reading I've been doing at night? Is it the things that trouble me: boyfriend abandonment, missing my family, money issues? Is it school? I don't know what it is.
I took a personality test on the Internet, this morning (it's A.M. remember?) results were fascinating

Analytical Thinkers are reserved, quiet persons. They like to get to the bottom of things - curiosity is one of their strongest strongest motives. They want to know what holds the world together deep downinside. They do not really need much more to be happy because they are modest persons. Analytical Thinkers loathe contradictions and illogicalness; with their sharp intellect, they quickly and comprehensively grasp patterns, principles and structures. Analytical Thinkers therefore often give others the impression that they are arrogant or snobby - especially because they do not hesitate to speak their mind with their often harsh (even if justified) criticism and their imperturbable self-confidence. But whoever succeeds in winning their respect and interest has a witty and very intelligent person to talk to. It takes some time before Analytical Thinkers make friends, but then they are mostly friends for life.

Very very interesting indeed. I chose only the highlights that depict my personality perfectly. That was quite good, I was a bit surprised. I think the best part about this test, was that it felt like someone knew me better than I knew myself, and that's awesome. I'll have good dreams.

That is a picture of palm trees, (took picture in '05) in a country that i'd like to be right now.

Gone.

My boyfriend of 20 months is in Ecuador right now. He's going to be there for a week.

The longest we've been apart has been 3, awful days. I'm not lying when I say they were awful. I couldn't breathe right, the action in itself felt wrong. My insides felt ripped apart, it felt like half of me left with him. It sounds pathetic, and it was. My reaction was equivalent as someone has died.
The worst part is not that he's going to be gone DOUBLE the amount of time we've been apart, and then some; the worst part is he's in a different country. We've never had to deal with that situation before.

Today, i was doing fairly well. I wasn't sad, i just missed him. There was so many things that happened in my day that i wanted to tell him about, but couldn't. Just when I was thinking "Maybe it won't be so bad" up pops up this commerical

AT&T Backpacker Commercial

That song is our song. You know how couples always have "a song"? Yeah, that's ours. It's kind of cheesy, but we sing it to each other a lot.
Disclaimer: We've known this song since '07, we haven't fallen in love with it JUST NOW.

Seeing that commerical made me really sad. I was suprised i didn't just start sobbing out nowhere.
/sigh.

Sunrise

This morning i stepped outside. Locked my door, and stood on my stoop letting the wind whip my hair around. I popped my headphones in my ears, they were cold. The song playing was Golden- Fall Out Boy, and that song has many soft undertones; it's very pretty to say the least. I started to walk to the beat (unavoidable, and very embarrassing), while looking at my shoes. When i looked up for a moment to see whether i had reached my bus stop, i saw the sky.

The sun was rising, causing the sky to become bright pink, rich purple, and a deep orange. It was filled with little specs of gold, and blue. It felt like i was in a photograph, or a painting. I stood still, in my spot and it started to snow. The snow was like little beams of light falling from the sky. It was so.. beautiful. The snow was sprinkled on my nose, making me giggle. The beauty around me was astounding, the light beams sprinkling around me, the pink-purple-orange sky, the song pumping in my ears.

I stood there for so long, that i didn't notice that everyone around me was getting on the bus. I took one last look, and climbed on.

Insight.

Peaceful days are the best. Going outside for a walk in the park, while feeling the light breeze blow through your hair, smelling the sweet yellow tulips, feeling the rain pour lightly on your skin, hearing the sound of cars pass by while swishing through the rain; all while the music in my ears are pumping so loud I can barely think.

I sit on the grass, waiting to hear my phone sing my familiar ring tone. Time passes by slowly, but in a peaceful way. I don't feel anxious, or overwhelmed. I feel.. nice. I gaze, taking in the view; street signs, houses that are too-close-together, graffiti tags on the sidewalk, red swings, white slides, chain-link fences, tall buildings, blue skies. I close my eyes, somehow still seeing what's around me.
My phone sings. My mind stops working when I hear
"Hello,"
I can hear the smile in his voice. I take a second to cherish this moment.
"You always have to have the first word," I retort.
He laughs.
"Only because you always get to have the last."

He's right you know.