Hold on.

I am exhausted.

Since this week is the final week before Spring Break, every single one of my teacher decides, "Hey, let's try to cram in as many grades in 5 days!"

My history teacher assigned a page on Brown v. Board of Ed, I thought, oh boy! What an easy way to get my grade up. My English teacher assigned 5 pages on Tinker v. Des Moines. My health teacher asked for two current events, my biology teacher asked for a poster, along with a three page report on a genetic disease, my German teacher provided many a-pop quizzes, my Algebra two teacher provided a quiz every single day of this week, and tomorrow I have a test on everything we've learned this semester. In band I want to do my best since I am the section leader in charge, and by the time I get home, I don't know where to start.

Everyday, I receive many college letters, asking whether I've considered their school yet. Everyday, I am more tired than the last. Everyday, I have more to do.

When I finally do have down time to reflect on my day, and how for some reason, the days blur by me. Did I say hello to my friend who I nod at everyday? Did I eat lunch? Did I remember my book for the Algebra quiz?

No. I didn't.

To make matters worse, my best friend (who is a senior, and twenty times more busy than I am) has no time for me. I miss him.

I am stressed. I am tired. And I just want to sleep.

But I can't. Not for another two days.

I switch teams.

Spring is here.

I am getting excited for this season in spite of myself. I was always a Winter girl. I was always the girl who defended Winter, when everyone else hated her. I loved the snowflakes, I love the cold crisp air, I loved the apparel: gloves, mittens, scarfs, boots, jackets, hats, skullies. I loved the way the bristles of the bushes stuck out, imperfect and dangerous. I loved the way the snow looked when the sun was setting. I loved the way fresh snow sparkled.

But one day, when I was driving with the windows down, and drinking a cool Snapple, something changed. I wanted to immerse myself into the sun, and breeze. I wanted to kick off my shoes, tilt my head, close my eyes, and thank Spring for bringing me beauty.

A comeback.

"Last published August 21, 2009."

That might as well have been many years ago.

Since my abrupt leaving, I've gotten older, I've cut my hair and grown it out again. I've met some of the greatest people I've ever met, and lost a great friend. I've lost a boyfriend, and gained a best friend. I've gotten A's on research papers, projects, and F's pop algebra quizzes. I've laughed, I've cried, I've thought, I've read. I've become stronger emotionally, I've become aware of my faults, I've become aware of my strengths. I've become aware of which people in my life I care most about.

I've come a long way since August 21st 2009.

But I'm still struggling to make decisions that will affect my entire life. Do I? Don't I? Will I? What if? What if? What if?

I've missed writing to no one in particular. Instead of having to write about the Cold War, or Sickle Cell disease, or Freedom of Speech, I get to write about myself, which is exponentially much better. Maybe this will be a way for me to better myself.

We'll see.

Beauty

There's different types of beauty. (TBC)

Time

The world is a continuous place.

Picture yourself in the happiest frame of your life. Mine would be in the middle of winter, Christmas lights twinkling, lighting up the living room. I'd be sipping hot tea, and have my head on his leg, and my free hand holding his. We'd be laughing about something childish.
I would wish to be able to freeze this point in time. I'd wish to make the world stop, and live in this moment forever because everything is perfect. Past fights don't exist. Tears were erased from our memories.
But that doesn't happen because the world is continuous.

If I could gather up contentedness like fine sand on a foreign shore I would put
it in a Ziplock bag and tuck it away in the far corner of a desk drawer for
sometime after the easy joy of today wanes. For another day when I'm feeling
lonely or ugly or scared or stupid. To dig out and take from it a handful to
soak up the tears and the dissatisfaction. I want to capture it and let it free
in increments, one happy lightning bug at a time to return back to its twilit
skies and leave me here on the ground where I'm meant to be.

I wish I could put my memories into a bag and re-visit them when need be. I'm not so sure if time is our friend or my personal enemy.

Movies!

There are a few movies that I HAVE to see. (btw, is it me, or are some really bitchin' movies coming out in 2010?) I'm going to list them here so i don't forget them.

UP
Nick and Nora's Infinite Play list
500 Days of Summer
Knowing
The Timekeeper's Wife
Hardball
Alice in Wonderland
Despicable Me
Toy Story 3
Tron
Where the Wild things Are.
Slum dog Millionaire
2012 (LOL)
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
Paper Heart
Wal-E
Moon
Post Grad
Whip it
Maria Full of Grace
(I'll add more later.)

Christmas Dilemma

Most of my mother's side of the family lives in Texas. I haven't seen them for nearly two years. A lot can happen in two years! For example: A wedding we (we being my mom, my step-dad, and I) couldn't go to, a cousin getting her driver's license, making the transition from middle school to high school, making the transition from elementary school to middle school, cousin getting her wisdom teeth taken out. With the distance, comes missing holiday gatherings. We never spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or New Year's together. While the rest of the family is living it up in Texas, we're celebrating quietly here in New Jersey.
We've been getting tired of this, and decided a visit is in order. My mom decided that we were to go to Texas on the 26th of December, but as a surprise. The plan was, when we arrived at the airport we would call them and be like "hey, Merry Christmas. By the way..." A surprise, you know? When my cousin, Karen, came to New York for a R.O.T.C meet, we went to go meet up with her. While together, I told her about the surprise visit to Texas. She was, of course thrilled. (We're the two girls in the family. -___-)
Today, my mom got a call from my aunt, saying "Hey! Guess what?" They were planning on coming to New Jersey for a visit.... for Christmas. She then proceeded to say that she wasn't sure if she'd have that day off of work, and if she didn't she'd just send my little cousin, Brian, to visit since he'd been nagging her "When are we going to Jersey, ma?!" This puts us in a pickle.